and all this time i've been waiting for The Prize Patrol...

today i found, misplaced in my spam folder of all places, a heartfelt email from a young man who has very recently lost his parents in a tragic accident. this tragedy has left him and his younger sister to trudge through the trenches of life without the love and guidance of their parents and to do so @ the tender ages of 21 and 18. and as if *that* wasn't difficult enough, they have yet another problem. you see, while their parents were unfortunate in death, in life, they were quite the opposite. and this problem that they left their children is not one to be taken lightly. this brother and sister pair are facing a hefty financial burden. and they need my help.

it's almost like this stranger from the other side of the world, got a glimpse into the depths of my bank account soul and felt an obligation to help me. me! a mrs. and a mama who has, oddly enough, the exact *opposite* financial burden. a severe *lack* of funds.

so to my new friend, who in a random act of desperation has performed the biggest kindness, thank you. and you can chill, because i totally got this. i will gladly accept your $11,700,00.00. *and* i pinky swear that i will invest it wisely, as you have suggested, and with the purest intentions of making your late parents proud of your efforts.

my account information is on the way.

unless of course, this is a scam. in which case, i'm freakin' pissed.

wordless wednesday.

these shoes were made for walking. and they'll get there someday.

before i had kiddies, i never thought twice about those tiny little baby shoes that i would so often see in the store. neither the price (which is typically outrageous) or the point (which was absolutely non-existent) of them had crossed my mind. but three babies later? i finally see the point. *their* style makes up for my *lack* of style. which makes me stylish, no? don't answer that. and when a fantastic sister finds these freakin' rad kicks and then gets a glance @ the price tag which reads a mere $2.00!?

baby shoes are a must.

and i can only assume, that since that way more stylish sister of mine is contributing to the style of my children, she is hoping that they can work some magic and make me look like less of a weirdo nerd. and you can't blame a girl for trying.

well, either that or she just loves me. or them. whatever.

adding a little cheer to my own monday. wait, is it monday?

ok, i'm puttin' on the mom jeans and fulfilling my 'mommy blogger' role here. giving you fine people all sunshine and cheer. well, yea, almost. and without the mom jeans. that was just for affect. *shudders*

ok, moving on.
see this?

this is why i haven't ever paid someone to take photos of the kiddies. if i wanted pictures of feet in the air, fingers in the nose and a general look of "huh!?" on one of their faces, well i could just break out the camera any old day. but really, i love photos like that, so who am i kidding? i'd totally pay.

and see this?

i assure you that your eyes do not deceive you. those little ladies *are* wearing matching outfits. despite my disdain. because my mama bought them those digs for christmas, and well, i just love my mama that much.

and see this?

well, this just makes my heart *squee!* and look, he wants a hug! *SQUEE!*

and see this?

ok, now i'm just bragging.

today i'm feeling all sentimental about my old friend. i miss his face.

once upon a time, i walked into the pet store in search of a companion. since the only thing i had ever really cared for was a hamster, i figured that i was pretty limited in my choices. an employee of the store was helping me in my search when, suddenly, she remembered that a family had brought in a rabbit that they could no longer care for as they were moving across the pond. she assured me that he was "well behaved" and that he "didn't cost a thing." and then she showed him to me. i was hooked. he was mine. i brought him home and we were instant buddies. like a cat, he basked in the sunlight that came through the sliding glass doors. like a dog, he hung out @ my feet hoping for scraps while i ate dinner. like a Nascar driver, he raced around my coffee table in circles. like a jerk, he chewed up every single cord that i had ever owned. and carpet. and shoes. and doors. and dressers.

and, well, you get the idea. he was so precious.

then one day, hubs and i got married. as i was largely preggers, hubs did most of the caring for marv. and by caring, i mean that he decided that marv needed a bunny lady friend. boy, was he wrong. per usual. marvin not only didn't need one, but he turned into a psycho love machine because of one. yea. we learned the hard way that he was far from fixed. and he was so...er, eager? for his woman, that he would resort to humping any part of her that was within reach. including her face. it wasn't long before she bit him. really hard. where the sun don't shine. he was so aggressive that i was terrified just to feed him. we talked about getting him fixed, but the money it was going to cost us to do that was more than we had laying around. and there's honestly no telling if the rage could have been reversed. we had no choice but to take him to someone that was better equipped to deal with him. someone that assured us they would get him fixed and find him a family. also? we had a baby due in a couple of months and i'll be darned if he ever got a hold of her little finger.

hubs had to take him away. i could not bear to do it myself.

i will never ever forget that day.

and i will never ever forget that little hornball.

you won't find any resolutions here.

don't get me wrong, i set goals and fail to achieve them all the time. i just don't consider it a holiday. i consider it a tuesday. but i *do* pinky swear that my heart (and my arms) will be so super full of love this year.

may that same ring true for you.

happy new year, lovelies.

a decade of my life. part 3.

a continuation from yesterday...

also? apologies. this might be the longest post in the history of posts. or something like that.

my life was significantly altered in 2006. after a few months of dating this new guy, i got pregnant. i was terrified. and one day while my hormones were a'raging, i told him to buzz off. i ignored his numerous calls, voice mails, texts and pleas, treated him like crap, but he continued to drop groceries off @ my door and go to every prenatal doctor appointment with me. after the morning sickness subsided, rather than patching things up with him, i spent time with my new best friend. we sat around her apartment in our jams watching The Simple Life and Ghost World, all while i fed my pregnant cravings with entire bags of Doritos, gas station hot dogs and Spaghettio's topped with mustard. she put up with my crying and my drama. she was a true friend. but, like everything else in my life, i screwed things up royally by lying to her. as far as things went with the guy, i was determined to prove that i didn't need him or any guy in order to feel happy or complete. i was tired of being defined by my relationship status. and @ about that time, i fell back into my old ways with someone new. it was so brief that it almost isn't worth mentioning, but it's also a big part of my story. eventually i started to miss that guy that i had so easily discarded. and not just the idea of him, but he himself. i went to him, telling him those very things, and while he didn't think very highly of me @ that point, he was willing to work things out. i feared that maybe he was so willing because i never bothered to tell him about my brief lapse in judgement or because i was carrying his baby. you can just see the future problems, right? well, late that summer, i became a christian. again. but for real this time. God was sure to fill that void. in the fall i became a mrs. and 2 short months later, a mama. life was bound to get better. easier...? different? a gal could hope.

2007 was rather uneventful. i got laid off from my job and decided that, rather than find a new one, i would stay home with mk. it was a good thing for all of us. the year was relatively stressful because we lived with family. first his, then mine. but living with family, and the stress that it caused, was a convenient cover-up for the actual issues that hubs and i had, due to our months spent apart and my lying to him. when i became aware that our families had caused such a diversion, i thought that maybe now would be a good time and i confessed my '06 lapse in judgement. man, was i wrong. it's just that up to this point i had kept it from him and i felt that i couldn't, rather shouldn't, do that any longer. i wanted to be totally honest with him, even if it did more harm than good. and it *did* cause more harm than good. for a little while, but then we shoved it under the rug with everything else.

2008 started out with a positive pregnancy test. and before long we found ourselves having to find another place to live. with the help of a couple in our church, we were able to do just that. we were renting a home. we were the only people in it. and we were so grateful. being out from under the diversion of our families' stress, our problems surfaced. there wasn't a day that went by that we didn't argue. both of us bringing up past faults. he was upset that i could withhold truth from him for so long, i was upset because i felt like he worked things out with me for mk's sake and not because he truly loved and valued me. things were rocky. that same couple that helped house us, started counseling us. so.much.crap came up. but as sucky as it was, it needed to be dealt with. we slowly started to mend our relationship. finally. and in the fall, our babies were born. our family went from 3 to 5 within minutes. the rest of that year was a blur. a sleepless blur.

and here it is, the last day of 2009. it's crazy to see where an entire decade has brought me. in some ways i feel that i have come so far, in other ways, not far enough. but i think that i will always feel that way, and i'm ok with that. in years previous, i always sort of viewed relationships/friendships as a dormant thing, an inconvenience, rather than an existing connection between people that bends and changes and benefits so many more than just those involved. i am still learning that i'm not the only one who has feelings that are capable of being hurt, and i have unfortunately hurt a lot of others' feelings along the way. i'm a work in progress. but, if this year has taught me one thing, it is to value the heck out of every relationship. good and bad. because of that lesson learned, earlier this year, i reconnected with that best friend of mine. i told her that i had been lying to her. it was difficult, but it was also necessary. she was hurt, but she is also super forgiving. and i don't expect that things will ever be the same between us, but i take comfort knowing that the air is clear. i lost my sassy grandma this year, and losing her taught me to love hard and to express it often. that relationship with her was and still is a huge part of me. and while other personal issues have seemed to resolve, bitterness, selfishness and insecurity are still daily battles for me. sometimes, i feel that i will never feel worthy of love. any one's love. especially God's love. i have a lot of crap to let go of. i need to forgive God, i need to forgive others and i need to forgive myself. and forgiving myself is the hardest part. on a lighter note, i've rediscovered a love for music that i had let go of years ago and it helps to have a soundtrack to my days. i write more (you poor people), i read more (thanks to Stephenie Meyer) and i laugh a whole lot more. hubs and i are still renting that house and we are more thankful for it than we've ever been before. i sincerely enjoy being a mama. those kiddies brighten up every second of every day. they are my life. oh and being a mrs. ain't so bad either. hubs says the weirdest crap and makes me laugh until i need a tarp. but he also says the sweetest crap...er, stuff. in fact, just yesterday, he looked @ me and said "i love you more each day." and my heart sang.

it was a messy decade, but it was so worth it.